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Useless Magic Items

Name of Item Price
Belt of Anorexic Strength +0 5 GP
Belt of Rock’s Dexterity +0 5 GP
Belt of Papier-Mache Constitution +0 5 GP
Headband of Ogre Intelligence +0 5 GP
Headband of Bestial Wisdom +0 5 GP
Headband of Messed Up Friendliness +0 5 GP
Ring of Kinda Sustenance 500 GP
Bracers of Arms 100 GP
Clip-On Wings 50 GP
+5 Greatsword of Hair Splitting 150 GP
Figurine of Wondrous Power: Mosquito 10 GP
Dust of Insant Water 5 GP
Amulet of “The Boss” 1 GP
Character Sheet 5 GP
The Super Immovable Rod 50,000,000,000 GP
Button of Chance Priceless
Hamster of Thunderbolts 100 GP
+5 Chainsaw of the Mad Druid 5 SP
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Belt of Anorexic Strength

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their strength, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Belts of Anorexic Strength can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Belt of Rock’s Dexterity

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their dexterity, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Belts of Rock’s Dexterity can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Belt of Papier-Mache Constitution

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their constitution, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Belts of Papier-Mache can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Headband of Ogre Intelligence

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their intelligence, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Headbands of Ogre Intelligence can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Headband of Bestial Wisdom

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their wisdom, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Headbands of Bestial Wisdom can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Headband of Messed Up Friendliness

This grants the user such a minute bonus to their charisma, it’s barely noticeable. Multiple Headbands of Messed Up Friendliness can be worn, and the bonuses stack.

Ring of Kinda Sustenance

This acts like a Ring of Sustenance, except for the fact that the user must roll a 1d100. If they roll a 51-100 the Ring of Kinda Sustenance acts like a normal Ring of Sustenance, however if he rolls a 1-50 the ring has the opposite effect (he must eat everything in sight including people and sleeps for 12 hours out of the day).

Bracers of Arms

When the Bracers of Arms are equipped, the user’s arms detach and crawl away for 24 hours. The arms return the next day while he is sleeping, and if he is not sleeping the arms will attempt to knock him out with a headlock (DC 60 Fortitude Save to not fall unconscious). The arms never do this while their owner is in danger. There is a 5% chance the arms come back with an item (96-100 = item get!) If this is rolled, the arms come back with a wizard’s spellbook and an angry wizard college in tow. The spellbook only has one spell inside of it: Scoop.

Clip-On Wings

The wearer is imbued with the mighty powers of fake wings! The wearer believes he/she can fly and will attempt to jump off of the highest places to prove so. When they first put on the Clip-On Wings, roll a 1d20. On a 2-20 the wings don’t do anything, however on a natural 1 the wings grant its wearer a fly speed of 5 FT so long as he is flapping his arms and nothing else.

+5 Greatsword of Hair Splitting

A greatsword with a strange orange glow about it. When attempting it to be used in combat, the weapon is unable to deal hit point damage to the target unless it is in fact made of hair. Otherwise this blade is only able to deal damage to the target’s hair as per a called shot. Long hair is easy, medium hair is tricky, and short hair is challenging. Bald people are immune. When dealing damage to the hair the greatsword only needs to deal 20 damage to the hair (10 if they have the Greater Called Shot feat) in order to score a debilitating blow. All a debilitating blow does to the hair is cuts it completely off and makes the target feel incredibly silly.

Figurine of Wondrous Power: Mosquito

Once turned on this figurine cannot be turned off. The figurine, a small stone image of a bug, must be activated by the one who originally touched it and is not dead. The little insect constantly orbits your head like an Ioun Stone constantly buzzing. However, it appears it has a mild semblance of sentience in avoiding being swatted. Any attempt to grab or bat away the figurine must succeed at a DC 25 Dexterity Check. The mosquito provides you a -5 to concentration checks and -2 on diplomacy, intimidate, perception, and sense motive attempts.

As is true with failing to swat a real mosquito however, each failure increases the DC 1 and the increases to the DC last for 24 hours.

Dust of Instant Water

A bag of dust that, when put in a jar of water, dissipates to create water! The water created by the dust has a specific flavor every time (from strawberries to dirty old socks), and when added to the water its texture becomes a bit grainy.

Amulet of “The Boss”

An amulet created by a rather egotistical wizard. When the wearer rolls a natural 20 on any d20 roll a pair of glasses floats down from seemingly nowhere and lands upon the user’s head for the remainder of their turn until their next turn. All enemies and allies alike when referring to them must refer to them as “the boss”. When the wearer of this amulet dies, one of their allies shouts their name 3 times.

Character Sheet

Whoever touches the sheet imparts some of themselves into the sheet, their stats appear on the sheet for only them to see and marvel over. The character doesn’t know what it means, but it is impressive regardless. When showing it to other people it looks like a blank sheet of paper.

The Super Immovable Rod

A rod that can’t be moved by any means, only the hand of a god (a character with higher than 70-80 CR) can move it. Otherwise, it must be left where it remains…on the floor

Button of Chance

This button, when found, is magically linked to the one who first spotted it (whoever got the highest perception roll to see it). This button, when pressed, kills all members of a single race of the person’s choosing…for 2 hours. When those races return to their body they all know you killed them and seek you out to kill you. If it is pressed multiple times, the user dies (DC 20 Fort save) by firing squad inside the button.

Hamster of Thunderbolts

This hamster, when thrown at the enemy (an improvised thrown weapon), lets out a squeal upon being thrown and regardless if it hits the target’s square a giant thunderbolt from the sky rains down upon the surrounding 300 ft. area. Anybody in this area must make a Reflex save (this negates anyone’s evasion) DC 25 or they are comically scorched black and tickle. The hamster is dead.

+5 Chainsaw of the Mad Druid

This chainsaw made of wood and bone once revved up falls apart. It’s that impractical. If wielded by a druid, it won’t fall apart but it will only be usable to cut down trees, and once used the druid instantly becomes an ex-druid.